i prefer not knowing.
really.
so yeah, you can take everything and stuff them up yours!
oh and an advance wish:
a very happy new year everyone.
to everything that should be look forward to and everything that should be left behind~
Have a good new year :)
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
:: two cents worth::
0ver 290 civilians killed within 2 days.oh, and that's only on day 2.
Today is day 5, i think. So you can add more to the death toll.
even for someone as ignorant as me, this fact is hard to ignore.
It is impossible that the israeli force didn't foresee the amount of people- including kids, that it will kill and injure by launching the attack.
Even as i am typing this, more and more innocent people are killed and injured.
And yet, the world, me included. can only watch.
Oh yea, this is an excerpt taken from today's NST:
'As the fighting continued the White House signalled strong support for Israel. "The United States understands that Israel needs to take actions to defend itself," said spokesman Gordon Johndroe. "They are taking the steps that they feel are necessary to deal with the terrorist threat." '
For the lack of a better word,kepala hotak die. Taking the steps necessary?
Listen, is killing hundreds of innocent people a necessary step? The people they most want- the leaders of Hamas is proly safe and sound and protected anyway. These people always are. So why kill the innocents?
What differnce does these people- the ones who launch the attack, and who plans the attack and condones the attack-have against lets say, those millitants who blindly killed people in Mumbai. They killed innocent people to garner world attention right?So that people pay attention.
And these israeli force. They launch the attack and innocent people gets killed, for what? To get the hamas to back off right?
So how different are these people from the so-called militant who uses the innocents to get what they want?
And the amount of innocents that they kill!
already hundreds and its not even a week.
Does holocaust rings a bell anyone?
And nobody is doing anything. As usual.
Semuanya nak talk dulu.discuss dulu.talk.talk.
And then the number of people being killed is rising.rising.rising.
The attack, which is clearly and blatantly wrong and against humanity is happening in full view of the world.
And yet, world leaders are still trying to make sense of it-still trying to figure whether the israeli's attack is justified or not." Oh, lets discuss first and then let's decide whether the act is wrong or right."
What a bunch of cowheads.
If it's wrong.It's wrong. There's no two ways around it.
And killing innocent people, doesnt matter if its one or one thousand, is just wrong.
Doesn't matter what the outcome is. Doesn't matter who does it.Doesn't matter if it's done in retaliation.
And speaking of retaliation, killing almost 300 people in response to 1 death is a bit too much isn't it?
Not that, that one death does not matter. It does. But, is there not a better way of retaliation?
Stop being such a big dumb bully.
These people needs to read more enid blyton. The books have strong moral values that they seem to have successfully distort.
Today is day 5, i think. So you can add more to the death toll.
even for someone as ignorant as me, this fact is hard to ignore.
It is impossible that the israeli force didn't foresee the amount of people- including kids, that it will kill and injure by launching the attack.
Even as i am typing this, more and more innocent people are killed and injured.
And yet, the world, me included. can only watch.
Oh yea, this is an excerpt taken from today's NST:
'As the fighting continued the White House signalled strong support for Israel. "The United States understands that Israel needs to take actions to defend itself," said spokesman Gordon Johndroe. "They are taking the steps that they feel are necessary to deal with the terrorist threat." '
For the lack of a better word,kepala hotak die. Taking the steps necessary?
Listen, is killing hundreds of innocent people a necessary step? The people they most want- the leaders of Hamas is proly safe and sound and protected anyway. These people always are. So why kill the innocents?
What differnce does these people- the ones who launch the attack, and who plans the attack and condones the attack-have against lets say, those millitants who blindly killed people in Mumbai. They killed innocent people to garner world attention right?So that people pay attention.
And these israeli force. They launch the attack and innocent people gets killed, for what? To get the hamas to back off right?
So how different are these people from the so-called militant who uses the innocents to get what they want?
And the amount of innocents that they kill!
already hundreds and its not even a week.
Does holocaust rings a bell anyone?
And nobody is doing anything. As usual.
Semuanya nak talk dulu.discuss dulu.talk.talk.
And then the number of people being killed is rising.rising.rising.
The attack, which is clearly and blatantly wrong and against humanity is happening in full view of the world.
And yet, world leaders are still trying to make sense of it-still trying to figure whether the israeli's attack is justified or not." Oh, lets discuss first and then let's decide whether the act is wrong or right."
What a bunch of cowheads.
If it's wrong.It's wrong. There's no two ways around it.
And killing innocent people, doesnt matter if its one or one thousand, is just wrong.
Doesn't matter what the outcome is. Doesn't matter who does it.Doesn't matter if it's done in retaliation.
And speaking of retaliation, killing almost 300 people in response to 1 death is a bit too much isn't it?
Not that, that one death does not matter. It does. But, is there not a better way of retaliation?
Stop being such a big dumb bully.
These people needs to read more enid blyton. The books have strong moral values that they seem to have successfully distort.
Monday, December 29, 2008
::of new year and nasty rashes::
Happy new year everyone~
that's new year for islamic calendar.
^_^
so, for the past two weeks i have this supposedly viral infection that causes nasty rashes on my neck,trunk and face.
oh dear.
well, the doctor thinks its a viral infection.i went to see three gps actually.
the first week, when the rashes was not so bad i went to see this one doctor just around my place, whose only comment was-ini bukan denggi. wth.
but to an extent, it was my fault.i should've insisted on a blood test.
and then when it got worse the following week (this week), i went to see another doctor who told me it might be eczema or psoriasis, but he cant be sure.i felt like crying.that thing lasts a lifetime as it will keep on re occurring and i'm talking about unsightly rashes at my face and not to mention the whole body.
so he referred me to a dermatologist at sjmc. So the following morning ejanne sent me to sjmc (sweetkan ejanne?!)BUT no dermatologists were in that day. wtf.
and.of course i was devastated. i mean, there i was with bloody itchy rashes all over my body and my face and i don't even know what it is. I mean, hey, if i at least know what it is that would be great.At least i would know what to do with it because anti-histamine do not effing work.
so, that night i went to see my aunty who is also a doctor.maybe she could refer me to other dermatologist.and she said, well that do not seem like psoriasis or eczema to me. that seems like a viral infection.and because anti histamine do not ease the itchiness and because i had sore throat the first two days that the rashes started to appear.So she said she'd do a blood test. but of course, it has been two weeks by then and of course, if it has been two weeks what do u expect to find huh?
haih.so today i think the rahses has stop spreading-not that there are much space left to spread to. But the itchiness has definitely subside a bit and them rashes are not as raised and not as red as before. So i hope it's just a viral infection and it is starting to heal.
Haih.i dont know. I would like to know what this is. I could go and see other doctors. but what can they do right? prescribe more anti-histamine,more calamine lotion, more emolient. One might go as far as to suggest a steroid shot. And i'm sure this is not an allergy.
I would like to go and see a dermatologist, in case this is really either eczema or psoriasis, but now that the thing is starting to subside, i have a strong feeling that it is just a viral infection. So seeing a dermatologist would be pointless.
However, if the rashes spread and still multiplies tomorrow, i'd definitely have to raise an alarm.
For now, seems like they're getting better. I think.
haih still.sedihlaa.
Imagine having rashes at ur face and neck and your whole body.spots and spots. Wouldnt you feel sad too?
And god knows how long it would take for the scars to disappear.
Shoot.sedih.sedih.
Dah lah tak tahu sebab ape.
wek.dah lah. malas nak stress. now i'm gonna do some reading and go to bed.
good night!~
that's new year for islamic calendar.
^_^
so, for the past two weeks i have this supposedly viral infection that causes nasty rashes on my neck,trunk and face.
oh dear.
well, the doctor thinks its a viral infection.i went to see three gps actually.
the first week, when the rashes was not so bad i went to see this one doctor just around my place, whose only comment was-ini bukan denggi. wth.
but to an extent, it was my fault.i should've insisted on a blood test.
and then when it got worse the following week (this week), i went to see another doctor who told me it might be eczema or psoriasis, but he cant be sure.i felt like crying.that thing lasts a lifetime as it will keep on re occurring and i'm talking about unsightly rashes at my face and not to mention the whole body.
so he referred me to a dermatologist at sjmc. So the following morning ejanne sent me to sjmc (sweetkan ejanne?!)BUT no dermatologists were in that day. wtf.
and.of course i was devastated. i mean, there i was with bloody itchy rashes all over my body and my face and i don't even know what it is. I mean, hey, if i at least know what it is that would be great.At least i would know what to do with it because anti-histamine do not effing work.
so, that night i went to see my aunty who is also a doctor.maybe she could refer me to other dermatologist.and she said, well that do not seem like psoriasis or eczema to me. that seems like a viral infection.and because anti histamine do not ease the itchiness and because i had sore throat the first two days that the rashes started to appear.So she said she'd do a blood test. but of course, it has been two weeks by then and of course, if it has been two weeks what do u expect to find huh?
haih.so today i think the rahses has stop spreading-not that there are much space left to spread to. But the itchiness has definitely subside a bit and them rashes are not as raised and not as red as before. So i hope it's just a viral infection and it is starting to heal.
Haih.i dont know. I would like to know what this is. I could go and see other doctors. but what can they do right? prescribe more anti-histamine,more calamine lotion, more emolient. One might go as far as to suggest a steroid shot. And i'm sure this is not an allergy.
I would like to go and see a dermatologist, in case this is really either eczema or psoriasis, but now that the thing is starting to subside, i have a strong feeling that it is just a viral infection. So seeing a dermatologist would be pointless.
However, if the rashes spread and still multiplies tomorrow, i'd definitely have to raise an alarm.
For now, seems like they're getting better. I think.
haih still.sedihlaa.
Imagine having rashes at ur face and neck and your whole body.spots and spots. Wouldnt you feel sad too?
And god knows how long it would take for the scars to disappear.
Shoot.sedih.sedih.
Dah lah tak tahu sebab ape.
wek.dah lah. malas nak stress. now i'm gonna do some reading and go to bed.
good night!~
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
:: Dream within a dream::
i have a research project to complete.
and today i went into haematology class knowing zilch about leukaemia.and went out just as blurry.oh and today, my groupmates and i spent about 3 hours trying to put in some drug names and their mechanism as well as the adverse and therapeutic effects into the lyrics of Pink's "So What".now the song is playing and playing in my head.It's so annoying!
so yea, you get the picture.
aside from school stuff, i have not gotten the chance to catch up with my readings. The last real book i read was John Connolly's The book of lost things. and that was a few months ago. Is a great book btw.
So, since i don't really have time to read novels, i now resort to poetry. I'm not much of a poem person though. It has always been hard for me to grasp the meaning of most poems. But once in a while, when i do get to grasp the meaning, or even catch a glimpse of what the poem is all about, it just reminds me of why i even bother to try and read them in the first place.
For this piece here, it took me three days to understand what it's about.usually i'd just give up and forget i ever read it.
But i'm glad i didn't. Because when i finally get it(parts of it anyway)., i just find it heartwrenchingly beautiful.
This is A Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allan Poe.
and today i went into haematology class knowing zilch about leukaemia.and went out just as blurry.oh and today, my groupmates and i spent about 3 hours trying to put in some drug names and their mechanism as well as the adverse and therapeutic effects into the lyrics of Pink's "So What".now the song is playing and playing in my head.It's so annoying!
so yea, you get the picture.
aside from school stuff, i have not gotten the chance to catch up with my readings. The last real book i read was John Connolly's The book of lost things. and that was a few months ago. Is a great book btw.
So, since i don't really have time to read novels, i now resort to poetry. I'm not much of a poem person though. It has always been hard for me to grasp the meaning of most poems. But once in a while, when i do get to grasp the meaning, or even catch a glimpse of what the poem is all about, it just reminds me of why i even bother to try and read them in the first place.
For this piece here, it took me three days to understand what it's about.usually i'd just give up and forget i ever read it.
But i'm glad i didn't. Because when i finally get it(parts of it anyway)., i just find it heartwrenchingly beautiful.
This is A Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allan Poe.
A Dream
Within A Dream
by Edgar Allan Poe
Within A Dream
by Edgar Allan Poe
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow—
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep— while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
-The End-
Sunday, December 21, 2008
:: My favorite photo::
tagged by jamma~~
*************
*************
do you think you're hot?
nope.not really.
nope.not really.
upload a favourite pic of you..
i have a couple of fave pic of me..but none of them is just me alone. And in all those moments that the pics were taken, i was very very happy.
so, this is one of them:
i have a couple of fave pic of me..but none of them is just me alone. And in all those moments that the pics were taken, i was very very happy.
so, this is one of them:
this is kak nem's surprise baby shower.
Look ma, we were happy~
:D
Look ma, we were happy~
:D
why do you like this pic?
3 of my favorite peeps are in it. and we were having blast
3 of my favorite peeps are in it. and we were having blast
when was the last tyme you ate pizza?
cant remember.but i know it was dominoes.
the last song u listen to?
You and I, on you tube. (ingrid michaelson and jason mraz).oh.suke gila lagu ni.
what name you prefer beside yours?
buddy! :)
people to tag:
ugh.this is the hard part.i dont know that many blogger.
1) Halimatun (perhaps u'd do this when ur back from germany)
2) Hannan (yang dah lama x update blog)
3) Faire!~
4) Hazel (im not sure if u even read my blog, but hehe. what the hell right?)
5) Hamami.
who is no 1:
ohhh!ini adalah the only celup in the world that i can put up with.in fact sy sayang die!
no 3 is having a relationship with?
oooh.alamak.she's in besancon.i dont know if she's in a relationship. are you faire??do tell~ :D
say something about no 5:
Si kurus yang patut makan weight gain! hehe.
how bout no 4?
i met her during a tution course in form 3!~
who is no 2 :
she's the busy hannan!~
just went and watch a play with her yesterday tho :)
.Fin.
ugh.this is the hard part.i dont know that many blogger.
1) Halimatun (perhaps u'd do this when ur back from germany)
2) Hannan (yang dah lama x update blog)
3) Faire!~
4) Hazel (im not sure if u even read my blog, but hehe. what the hell right?)
5) Hamami.
who is no 1:
ohhh!ini adalah the only celup in the world that i can put up with.in fact sy sayang die!
no 3 is having a relationship with?
oooh.alamak.she's in besancon.i dont know if she's in a relationship. are you faire??do tell~ :D
say something about no 5:
Si kurus yang patut makan weight gain! hehe.
how bout no 4?
i met her during a tution course in form 3!~
who is no 2 :
she's the busy hannan!~
just went and watch a play with her yesterday tho :)
.Fin.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
:: home is where the heart is::
So, yesterday and today,my parents and i went back to the house in b.a.
Our house wasn't affected as it is located further up from the site of the landslide.
Because of the on-going renovation of the house, i haven't been to that area for about 5 months until yesterday.
Now, i haven't been there for quite a while and have been trying to avoid to go and visit the house since the full-fledge renovation started about a year ago. There's just something unpleasant about watching the house i grew up in,- with its tiny bench, pretty garden with small japanese roses, and guppy fish- turn into some construction site, with cigarette butt strewn all over what used to be the garden and the tiny bench is now covered with bricks and sacks of cement powder. Even the van gogh reproduction that hung in the living room is now covered with thick dust.
However, the landslide made me miss home.
When i heard about the news, eventhough i know that none of my family members were at home, and that the landslide happen in bukit mewah-nowhere near my housing area, and eventhough i had gotten assurance that everyone i know who live there are safe and well, i can't help but still feel inexplicably sad. As if i knew the victims personally. The whole day, i was glued to the tv, and god, i was gloomy.
Somehow, that day, everything i love and know about the place just played and played and played in my mind and i wanted to be there more than anything.
i wondered about the victims of the houses that i passed by probably thousands of times during the 11 years that we've stayed there.
I wondered about the red house which seemed like a mansion to me when i was around 9 years old, because then, it was truly, the grandest house i've ever seen.
I wondered about the house with the blue roof which i used to think as my favorite house in that row of houses.Until, that classic-american style house was completed about 4 houses away.
I wondered about the house that had a name which i've been trying hard to recall but can't seem to remember until now. I know it had two words.villa was the second word.
i can't remember the first word. I tried so hard.
i just cant remember.
I wonder,is the balinese style house which was featured in a interior design magazine when i was in primary school affected by the landslide?or is it still standing?
And there were these two guys.Siblings.They live in one of the houses, the same row as the red house, the blue roof and the house with the name that i cant recall. They used to stand by the roadside in front of their house and hitch a ride from those who are heading to the main entrance of bukit antarabangsa and from there they would take the cab. Those who live here would know how hard it is to get a cab anywhere in b.a. and it was easier to wait for a cab at the b.a entrance.
One of the siblings writes poetry and will try to sell them to people whom he thought would be interested-usually to those who offered him a ride. My dad bought one of his poems.
it was about chicken rice and a couple(i think)-typed on a white A4 paper, folded and placed in the standard white envelope for letters. Yours for 10 ringgit.
Oh you bet i've read the poem. It was...well, he's not exactly A. Samad Said, if you know what i mean. But it was not bad either. It made me smile you see. I thought the poem was cute.
I heard my neighbours said that the guys was harmless but "tak betul sikit". I thought he was just an eccentric. And an interesting,poem writing eccentric at that. He had me at 'chicken rice',-I would never dream of calling him crazy.
I haven't seen them around for a while actually, but then again, i have not been there for quite a while too. I wonder if they still live there, and i wonder if they're alright. I really hope, with all my heart, that they are.
Our house wasn't affected as it is located further up from the site of the landslide.
Because of the on-going renovation of the house, i haven't been to that area for about 5 months until yesterday.
Now, i haven't been there for quite a while and have been trying to avoid to go and visit the house since the full-fledge renovation started about a year ago. There's just something unpleasant about watching the house i grew up in,- with its tiny bench, pretty garden with small japanese roses, and guppy fish- turn into some construction site, with cigarette butt strewn all over what used to be the garden and the tiny bench is now covered with bricks and sacks of cement powder. Even the van gogh reproduction that hung in the living room is now covered with thick dust.
However, the landslide made me miss home.
When i heard about the news, eventhough i know that none of my family members were at home, and that the landslide happen in bukit mewah-nowhere near my housing area, and eventhough i had gotten assurance that everyone i know who live there are safe and well, i can't help but still feel inexplicably sad. As if i knew the victims personally. The whole day, i was glued to the tv, and god, i was gloomy.
Somehow, that day, everything i love and know about the place just played and played and played in my mind and i wanted to be there more than anything.
i wondered about the victims of the houses that i passed by probably thousands of times during the 11 years that we've stayed there.
I wondered about the red house which seemed like a mansion to me when i was around 9 years old, because then, it was truly, the grandest house i've ever seen.
I wondered about the house with the blue roof which i used to think as my favorite house in that row of houses.Until, that classic-american style house was completed about 4 houses away.
I wondered about the house that had a name which i've been trying hard to recall but can't seem to remember until now. I know it had two words.villa was the second word.
i can't remember the first word. I tried so hard.
i just cant remember.
I wonder,is the balinese style house which was featured in a interior design magazine when i was in primary school affected by the landslide?or is it still standing?
And there were these two guys.Siblings.They live in one of the houses, the same row as the red house, the blue roof and the house with the name that i cant recall. They used to stand by the roadside in front of their house and hitch a ride from those who are heading to the main entrance of bukit antarabangsa and from there they would take the cab. Those who live here would know how hard it is to get a cab anywhere in b.a. and it was easier to wait for a cab at the b.a entrance.
One of the siblings writes poetry and will try to sell them to people whom he thought would be interested-usually to those who offered him a ride. My dad bought one of his poems.
it was about chicken rice and a couple(i think)-typed on a white A4 paper, folded and placed in the standard white envelope for letters. Yours for 10 ringgit.
Oh you bet i've read the poem. It was...well, he's not exactly A. Samad Said, if you know what i mean. But it was not bad either. It made me smile you see. I thought the poem was cute.
I heard my neighbours said that the guys was harmless but "tak betul sikit". I thought he was just an eccentric. And an interesting,poem writing eccentric at that. He had me at 'chicken rice',-I would never dream of calling him crazy.
I haven't seen them around for a while actually, but then again, i have not been there for quite a while too. I wonder if they still live there, and i wonder if they're alright. I really hope, with all my heart, that they are.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
::Quoting the character::
"Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts"
because i blog-hopped and came across a sort-of review,
i ended up watching The Last Kiss, again.
(i should be doing my long-overdue homework)
with this talent for diversion that i have,
no wonder none of them seems to be completed on time
pffft! =_=
with this talent for diversion that i have,
no wonder none of them seems to be completed on time
pffft! =_=
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
::Just trying my luck::
i have a friend,
who's as cool as the wind,
as irresistible as sin.
i have a friend,
who's sweet as pie,
she's all sugar and spice,
and this is no being wise.
i have a friend,
who sends me cards,
which picks me up,
when i'm in shards.
i have a friend,
who just got a job,
with cherries on top.
i have a friend,
whom i made this poem for,
it is badly rhymed,
but it's the thought that counts!
*********
this morning i received a text message:
"i officially get 40% off nine west of today haha!"
to which i replied:
"i have nothing to say to you!"
and the reply to that was:
"wrong answer! u shud haf said u luv me and tat if u had to, u'd die to save me. then mayb i'd use sum of tat discount on u, tant pis!"
and i went, oh dear! what have i done??!
hence this badly rhymed poem. ^_^
ok.fine.i'm a suck up.
but for nine west discount, you'd say anything too right? =)
oh right,i haven't said it all.
so,to whom it may concern:
i love you and if i have to, i'd die to save you!
there you go!now, will you use some of that discount on me??
haha!
=D
guess who i'm trying to suck up? ^_^
who's as cool as the wind,
as irresistible as sin.
i have a friend,
who's sweet as pie,
she's all sugar and spice,
and this is no being wise.
i have a friend,
who sends me cards,
which picks me up,
when i'm in shards.
i have a friend,
who just got a job,
with cherries on top.
i have a friend,
whom i made this poem for,
it is badly rhymed,
but it's the thought that counts!
*********
this morning i received a text message:
"i officially get 40% off nine west of today haha!"
to which i replied:
"i have nothing to say to you!"
and the reply to that was:
"wrong answer! u shud haf said u luv me and tat if u had to, u'd die to save me. then mayb i'd use sum of tat discount on u, tant pis!"
and i went, oh dear! what have i done??!
hence this badly rhymed poem. ^_^
ok.fine.i'm a suck up.
but for nine west discount, you'd say anything too right? =)
oh right,i haven't said it all.
so,to whom it may concern:
i love you and if i have to, i'd die to save you!
there you go!now, will you use some of that discount on me??
haha!
=D
guess who i'm trying to suck up? ^_^
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
::Have.Faith::
during my pkn stint, i had a person whom i was quite close to. She was brought up by a Buddhist mother and a Christian father- if i still remember this correctly.
I haven't stayed in touch with her for a long time now, but during that time, she didn't quite believe in religion and god. She did practiced Buddhism and then she did went to church until she realised that she was doing it only because her parents are doing it and for her that was pointless.
and on that particular note, i agreed with her. The doing it without really believing in it thing, i mean.
I guess there's a point in everyone's life where some soul searching about your pre-determined faith is done.that was hers.
anyway, she once asked me, why do you believe in god?why the need for religion?
well, i might not be the best person to answer this sort of question then (and,even now!) and i knew (and know) that i'm a pretty flawed Muslim. I have defects, here and there and everywhere.
But by then, i didn't perform my five times a day prayer because my mom told me so, or because i'm a malay therefore i have to solat or else people around me will talk about it. To some extent, I don't think i perform my five times a day prayer because of the kalau tak masuk neraka thought that the elders have ingrained into my brain since i was little. By then, i've started to perfom it because i really do believe that there's something intangible that i can achieve from it-like a peace of mind.though to explain it would be very complex. But point is, i've stopped performing my five times a day prayers with that immense dread that comes form not doing things from the heart.
And by then i think, i was beginning to really practice my faith because i really do believe in it, rather than because it is the religion of my grandmother and my mother and my father and the malay population on the whole.
So i didn't try to explain to her about my religion, because god knows my knowledge was shallow enough and nanti tiba-tiba ada sky kingdom baru. no way.
Instead, i told her why I believe in my god and why I steadfastly believe in the need for religion at all.
we talked about about why I prayed.why i don't wear tudung like everyone else (and no, i didn't try to defend myself), why i read the quran every friday and thursday night (yes, i was much baik then.).why, despite my open-mindedness and modern outlook do i still believe in religion and god.
Basically everyone have reasons for doing something right? I told her mine.
and one thing that i remember telling her was;
when you believe in god, or something greater than you. It gives you comfort in knowing that He knows more than you do. and that whatever happens, it is always for a reason and for the best.whether you can phantom it or not, or whether the reason is revealed to you later, rather than sooner.
it's something to fall back on when there seems to be nothing else to fall on.
(ok fine la, ayat dalam blog mesti la lagi power dari the words that i actually used to say to her.but the gist is basically the same. =p)
and why am i suddenly recalling this one particular thing?
because time like this reminds me, how easy it would be for me to give up and go insane altogether, if i don't have faith like i do now.
I haven't stayed in touch with her for a long time now, but during that time, she didn't quite believe in religion and god. She did practiced Buddhism and then she did went to church until she realised that she was doing it only because her parents are doing it and for her that was pointless.
and on that particular note, i agreed with her. The doing it without really believing in it thing, i mean.
I guess there's a point in everyone's life where some soul searching about your pre-determined faith is done.that was hers.
anyway, she once asked me, why do you believe in god?why the need for religion?
well, i might not be the best person to answer this sort of question then (and,even now!) and i knew (and know) that i'm a pretty flawed Muslim. I have defects, here and there and everywhere.
But by then, i didn't perform my five times a day prayer because my mom told me so, or because i'm a malay therefore i have to solat or else people around me will talk about it. To some extent, I don't think i perform my five times a day prayer because of the kalau tak masuk neraka thought that the elders have ingrained into my brain since i was little. By then, i've started to perfom it because i really do believe that there's something intangible that i can achieve from it-like a peace of mind.though to explain it would be very complex. But point is, i've stopped performing my five times a day prayers with that immense dread that comes form not doing things from the heart.
And by then i think, i was beginning to really practice my faith because i really do believe in it, rather than because it is the religion of my grandmother and my mother and my father and the malay population on the whole.
So i didn't try to explain to her about my religion, because god knows my knowledge was shallow enough and nanti tiba-tiba ada sky kingdom baru. no way.
Instead, i told her why I believe in my god and why I steadfastly believe in the need for religion at all.
we talked about about why I prayed.why i don't wear tudung like everyone else (and no, i didn't try to defend myself), why i read the quran every friday and thursday night (yes, i was much baik then.).why, despite my open-mindedness and modern outlook do i still believe in religion and god.
Basically everyone have reasons for doing something right? I told her mine.
and one thing that i remember telling her was;
when you believe in god, or something greater than you. It gives you comfort in knowing that He knows more than you do. and that whatever happens, it is always for a reason and for the best.whether you can phantom it or not, or whether the reason is revealed to you later, rather than sooner.
it's something to fall back on when there seems to be nothing else to fall on.
(ok fine la, ayat dalam blog mesti la lagi power dari the words that i actually used to say to her.but the gist is basically the same. =p)
and why am i suddenly recalling this one particular thing?
because time like this reminds me, how easy it would be for me to give up and go insane altogether, if i don't have faith like i do now.
Monday, December 1, 2008
::eternal sunshine of the spotless mind::
If there is ever a lacuna, inc. in this world, i think i would have some parts of my memories erased by now. Just so, i can be more like a functioning human being rather than staring at the ceiling all evening.
But when i first watched the movie, i wondered, is it worth it?- to have some of the happiest memories you ever have, erased from your mind just because you can't stand the agony of waiting for that painful feeling to pass?
and isn't it a selfish act?
well, im still wondering now.
however,since there is absolutely no lacuna, inc. in the world, i think i'm going to have a dose of that therapeutic online shopping now.
But when i first watched the movie, i wondered, is it worth it?- to have some of the happiest memories you ever have, erased from your mind just because you can't stand the agony of waiting for that painful feeling to pass?
and isn't it a selfish act?
well, im still wondering now.
however,since there is absolutely no lacuna, inc. in the world, i think i'm going to have a dose of that therapeutic online shopping now.
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